Stacey R
Bullying Survivor
Female | Barrie, ON   Canada
Still Hurts
Bullying Type: Physical / Emotional
Posted By: rockymountainmammaUser Verified
4/18/14 11:33 AM
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I am 45 years old now, and when I recall my days in elementary school I still feel the pain and the loneliness I felt every single day there.

I have 2 reasons for wanting to put this out here right now, besides it being somewhat therapeutic for myself.

One is that I truly hope that those people who made my life there a living hell read this and maybe have a twinge of remorse for the pain they caused; and secondly to do my own apologizing for those that I probably hurt as well.

I attended the school from k-8. My 3 brothers were all there before me. My memories are all of being so badly bullied that I completely withdrew from life. In all those years of being there I can honestly count on one hand the number of my peers that I have any good memories about. And the teachers? They were the worst. They were supposed to help you, not make it worse.

I was weird I guess. I never fit in with any group of kids. I always felt completely alone. New kids would come, and I'd befriend them, but as soon as they found out I was the loser, they'd ditch me pretty quick for the cooler kids. Honestly I don't blame them. I didn't want to be my friend either.

I remember in grade 5, going to my teacher, and asking for help. I was being bullied so badly - This was right after I got pinned down out in the yard (by boys) and had grass shoved down my pants and my throat until I threw up - You know what he said? That I had to learn how to take it. I moved my desk into a corner of the room to try to get away from being openly taunted in class, in front of the teacher, who should have been protecting me from that. My brother defended me once, and he got suspended for it. I knew better than to ask for help.

Grade 8 graduation, oh God what a nightmare! After all those years, being treated like crap, I get a phone call the night before Grad, a boy saying that another boy really liked me and wanted to go to the dance with me....and then I heard them all laughing in the background. I went to my grad. I got my diploma. And then they started in on me right at the beginning of the dance, "fatty 4-eyes, as if he'd ever want to go with you etc etc"....I left before the first dance was over. Walked home crying....for the thousandth time from that school. But for the last time too. Just a couple examples of the endless torment.

For my part in this, I was so miserable, and felt so completely alone and at the mercy of these kids that I turned on anyone who I perceived as weaker than me. I did to them what was being done to me. I was a total bitch to other kids like me. In being a victim, I turned my rage onto someone else and victimized them too. And for that, to anyone who got hurt by me, I am profoundly sorry.

Bullies don't understand just how far-reaching their actions are. I wound up going to high school, with only a couple of the kids from grade school, as most of them lived in another district. I was looking forward to it, because I thought I would be pretty much anonymous there, a fresh start. But not my luck. In my grade 9 home room was one of the boys. And since he had to be cool, he kept right on after me. Got the other students who didn't even know me in on it too. Once a loser, always a loser I guess....me I mean. I'd walk the gauntlet everyday to my locker, where I'd find fun things like condoms put on my lock. Once again, no friends, no help in sight. I'd learned a long time ago not to bother talking to a teacher or anyone.

Then I hooked up with the other losers like me, and started doing drugs, dropped out of school, had a baby at 17, got married to a bully, and spent the next 20 years of my life struggling with such incredibly low self-esteem that there were days I was sorely disappointed to even be waking up.

I sit here now, writing this with tears streaming down my face and a tightness in my chest so that I can barely breathe...like I'm still that little girl. I can still feel that feeling.

But I'm not that little girl any more. I am strong now. I divorced that bully. I have an incredible husband now, and 3 beautiful girls. My kids are amazing people. They have such generous compassionate hearts. They are defenders of those in need of help. They are the first to step in if someone is being hurt, and they are never afraid to stick up for the underdog. I have taught them to pity the bully as well, because they are usually doing it because they are unhappy in their lives too, and are lashing out at anyone they can. But now, as a result of her generous heart, my 17 year old daughter in being socially tormented by a boy she tried to help. And he's a smart one too, never doing anything overt, in front of other people. Threatens her in ways that can't be defined as a threat etc.. He uses his other friends accounts to attack her, constantly wearing her down and laughing about how no one can stop him. Like the cop said to me, they can't do anything without proof of harm. "There is no law against being a do*che bag."

I know the School Boards and society in general have really stepped up over the years with anti-bullying programs, but it seems to me that it is just propaganda, to make it look like something is really happening about it. But it's just talk, no teeth to it. No balls to the laws, with such vague definitions of criminal harassment that you are powerless to ever prove anything until it's too late.

To my grade 5 teacher, I took your advice, I learned to take it. I took it for most of my adult life, living with an abusive bully because I thought it was what I deserved, but somehow I survived it. My advice to you is to retire, if you haven't done so already. I can't be the only child you let down, and I hope to hell you learned to recognize a child in need and found a set of b*lls to actually help that child instead of making their lives even worse.

That I might have caused anyone the same painful memories that I live with, I deeply regret. It shames me to this day to think of that.

To those of you that left me with these miserable memories ---- screw you. I remember you with bitter memories of a sad and lonely childhood. I want you to remember me when your child comes home crying because someone is bullying them at school. I hope for your child's sake that they have someone in their life to help them through it, and make them know how wonderful they truly are. And I hope that you can be that person for your child, that you can be the kind of person now that you weren't way back then.

I know I'm not the only one to have these experiences as a child, and for anyone that did, I wish you peace of mind and peace in your heart knowing you are not alone.



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Comments
Posted By: BobSmoot | 4/21/14 11:15 AM
Great show of support, love the picture btw too funny
Posted By: BJB95User Verified | 4/29/14 1:02 PM
The whole time I read this my chest was getting tighter and tighter, I just finished reading and my chest is so tight now it hurts and I'm fighting back tears. I am very sorry this ever happened to you.
Story Details


Name: Stacey R
Age: 51
Country: Canada
Location: Barrie, ON
Gender: Female
Zodiac Sign: N/A
Maiden Name: N/A
Relationship Status: Married
Profession: Other
Education level: N/A
University: N/A
Ethnicity: N/A
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Height: N/A
Weight: N/A
Tattoos: No

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