Sonja O
Bullying Survivor
Female | Los Angeles, CA   United States
My Story
Bullying Type: Physical / Emotional
Posted By: MissJingles
6/20/12 11:49 AM
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English isn´t my first language but I´ll try my best to write my words in a way that everyone hopefully understands them.
I´m 35 years old and since I can remember I know the feelings of fear and panic. Since I can remember my parents always fighted. They fighted day and night, so loud that my sister and I couldn´t sleep. As a child I saw a lot of things between my parents which a little child should not see. My mother always was the dominant part, when I didn´t behave or function like she wanted me to, she hit me, threw things at me. I often had bleeding wounds on my body or in my face. I guess what I experienced as a little child are the reasons for my problems in the present.
As a school kid I always was the outsider. The others were all louder and did things I didn´t dare to do. They bullied me because I had handmade clothes which my lovely grandmother made, they bullied me because I was not allowed to bring other kids with me home. They bullied me because my grandmother came to pick me and my sister up from school to bring us home. They bullied me because I was afraid of everything that was loud. They didn´t know that I had enough loud words at home. When I came home with a bad school grade my mother became furious. She always called me a loser and I remember one day she said to me: I wish you were never born. You´re a loser, all the others are better than you. You can´t be my daughter.
In the later years of school they bullied me because I never did the same things the others did. When all of the other teens went to dancing lessons or went to disco I was at home and wrote fantasy stories. So often I pretended to be sick to stay at home, but at home there were my parents fighting so sometimes I thought about running away from home, running away from all that sh*t. I always wondered why so many of the others obviously hated me. I always tried to be nice to everyone, I never started a fight or something like that. I was a shy person when I was a teenager, but why do other people hate someone when you are shy and not as loud as they are? I always wondered why you have to do the same things like the others, why you are not allowed to be unique in your interests and hobbies, why they start bully you because of that?
My body reacted with hyperventilation when I was in those situations. As a young adult I had my first panic attack and from this moment on panic attacks became a part of my life. At first I didn´t know what I had, I thought I would be sick and went from doc to doc, until I went to a psychologist. He asked me a lot of things, he asked me about my childhood and I told him all. It was clear to him now why I´m having the panic attacks. I began a therapy but it didn´t help. They told me that after all this years my soul reacts with that to show the inner pain. I had to live with my parents again because I was not able to live alone at that moment, and I hoped they would help me. But my mother called me insane. Everytime when I had a panic attack she started to insult me and brand me as a liar, she said that I would just pretend to be sick and things like that. It hurt like hell. My father was just helpless in this situation and he worked a lot. I think he was just glad not to be at home because he didn´t know how he could help me. My sister was the only one who tried to understand me and who listened to me, who was able to calm me down a little.

Then the day came when I told my parents what the psychologist told me, that my panic attacks are the result of all the bullying during my childhood, the fights between my parents, but they both didn´t want to hear about that. After a 6 weeks long hospitalization I moved finally out in a house beside the house of my aunt. At first it was difficult to live alone, especially when I had a panic attack. Always when I have one it feels like dying. Later I moved into the house of my best friend Nicole and here I live now since a few years. I often have depressions and I often feel alone and lonely, even when I have people around me. It´s a feeling that comes suddenly. Then I start to cry without a reason. And sometimes I still think that I´m maybe not good enough, that I don´t have any talents, that I´m still an outsider and that there is no one who ever would understand me. But it´s getting better with the years. I´m still in contact with my parents, since I moved out I feel free. And still I can´t spend long time with my mother, because she still acts like she always did, but then I pack my things and go home. The contact with my father is good and close. He never hit me, and I guess he was just helpless. He often tells me that living with my mother is almost not possible, but he never left her, I have no idea why.

During the last 2 years I finally started to find myself. The days when I think that I´m not good enough are still there, but those thoughts doesn´t take so long anymore. I have a few good friends and I´m glad to have them. Today I know that I don´t need to look like a model to be loved, that I don´t need to be perfect and I know that depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not a sign of weakness. They are signs of having to remain strong for too long.



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Comments
Posted By: CheeseHead12 | 6/21/12 1:38 PM
Anyone who has had a panic attack knows what you are talking about, you feel like you are dying and its terrifying. After speaking with a professional I found that keeping your feelings bottled up will cause you to break down so im glad you are learning to express your emotions and opinions now. Live a happy healthy life and Good luck!
Posted By: CalmSara | 6/26/12 10:11 AM
I have had a panic attack and they are so scary I used to get them in college. Dont ever feel like you arent good enough because you are beautiful and you deserve to be happy
Posted By: PinkBow | 7/17/12 2:48 PM
Sweetheart, parents never want to hear that they did anything wrong with raising you. Even if they clearly did something wrong they will have an excuse for why it was good for you.I would hope before they leave this world that they can come to an agreement that they could have been better to you but most important thing is that you are getting over that part of your life with a professional. Good luck to you in the future.
Story Details


Name: Sonja O
Age: 44
Country: United States
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Gender: Female
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Maiden Name: N/A
Relationship Status: Single
Profession: Other
Education level: N/A
University: N/A
Ethnicity: N/A
Hair Color: Blond
Eye Color: Blue
Height: N/A
Weight: N/A
Tattoos: Yes

Chat: Enter